These picture were taken in the midst of eating disorders and being nothing but brutal to my body. My perspective was that ANY fat was unattractive, every part of my body needed to be toned, and I was ugly if my thighs were touching (I was unsuccessful at changing that b/c that is not how my body is built).
IN THE MIDST OF THESE DISORDERS...
I found love in the wrong places. I've discussed this in previous blog posts...
I sought after the attention of boys. I wanted to be the one people couldn't take their eyes off of. I took pride in that. I felt challenged by other beautiful girls. I compared myself to them. I even degraded them to my closest friends to make myself feel superior.
Although the attention felt nice momentarily, it was fleeting. Yes, this ALL stems back to WHAT I was finding my worth in rather than WHO. I found love and affection in worldly ways that left me attached and heart broken, I felt rejected often, because there was no depth to the relationships I pursued.
BUT WHAT I SHOWED THE WORLD was a fit, tanned up, make up on
fleek, hair just done, "healthy" girl who loved to have a good time and was so happy. The world didn't see my tears, my anger, my resentment towards MYSELF... my brokenness.
THIS IS THE FOUNDATION FOR THE STANDARDS OF BEAUTY WE SET FOR OUR GROWING GIRLS AND EVEN GROWN WOMEN.
THESE ARE LIES.
Whether your story in similar to mine or not, WE ALL face the same influence. What SATAN has twisted to use for his glory.
I AM SO SORRY that I participated in the lies. That I fell into them and let them hold me captive... I am so sorry to the women that I INFLUENCED. That I pushed to believe a delusion, to better the way the world world saw me; to receive affirmation and attention.
I knew my Savior... I didn't care to know who the Savior called ME to be. Who He calls US to be. I've realized over the years that my actions don't just affect me, they affect the world, the women out there watching me with beautiful souls but broken hearts and perspectives.
So, this is my apology. I will never stop fighting the patterns of the world to make a change... to show y'all precious ladies that JESUS has bigger plans for you. Lives that weren't meant to be consumed by sadness, and hatred. Our greatest calling is to love and show others the love of Christ. How are we supposed to love others when we haven't learned to love ourselves?
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